Ondine

A movie with Colin Farrell and mermaids. Fuck yea.

Seriously though, I doubt this movie will be all that great, even though it is written and directed by Neil Jordan - who shocked the shit out of us with The Crying Game and made it bearable to watch Tom Cruise again in Interview with a Vampire.

But unfortunately, Mr. Jordan's latest movies The Brave One (Oh, Jodie) and Breakfast on Pluto were a complete fail.

Not to mention that the trailer for Ondine is awful awful awful. It's up to you, but I'll almost definitely see it and let you how much it sucked.

Crash of the Titanics

For You

A hot mess . Perfect for Easter weekend - silly visuals, giant mythic story ideas (which make no sense of course, but aren't required to since they center around Greek Mythology which most people know about two words of), and a little romance. And I mean little. At just under two hours (praise Jesus), Clash of the Titans is worth about ten bucks, but in all honesty its been out three days and is already dated. I promise you. See it now, meaning Sunday is last your chance, or at home with some grass and a bottle of wine. Just all of you promise me you won’t take this movie seriously. I am refusing to talk critically about it without laughing.

For Me

The guy from Avatar? Really? I am I the only one that thinks this is totally ridiculous? I'm supposed to love him, but hate his guts instead. Also, I now know that Greek Mythology is the answer to all writing woes. Why does black demi-god blood raise giant scorpions from the ground? Who cares! We’ll just distract the audience with a venom bite and short skirts on handsome men. And uh-oh, our backdrops are one dimensional paintings. Let’s make this movie 3D (that I now have to call regular movies 2D is making my hair fall out), so no one will be able to notice or focus on anything in particular. It’ll look awesome. And wait, the titans don't really clash with anyone. Its just Ralph Fiennes doing his "Voldemort" for two hours. I'd rather be watching Harry Potter. In fact, I'm watching it right now to make me feel better.

Sherlock Homes and Valkyrie were two movies that were trashy, but offensive to me. They didn’t trust their audience and assumed I was retarded. (Can I still use that word?) I wasn’t pissed off at Clash of the Titans and I am one hundred five million thousand percent sure that its because I have a sore spot for the Sci-Fi Fantasy genre. Listen to me: If you don’t really like period pieces or mythology this movie is going to rob you of two hours of your life. Watch it on TBS this fall for Christ’s sake.

I am putting the original on my queue right this second. Perseus is played by the guy from LA Law!