Can You Tell I Hate the Oscars?

I found out the winners of this years Academy Awards via text message— working on a film, hanging out in a kitchen, waiting for my lighting cue. Not only did I want Kathryn Bigelow and the Hurt Locker to win everything, I had a systematic answer to why they would.

District 9: Nope. The Oscars went international last year. "Slumdog Millionaire was such a great film. And it was foreign!"

Up: Nope. Sorry y'all. We're still a few years away from giving Best Picture to a cartoon. (Even if it was a perfect one.)

Precious: Nope. Black Oscars just happened in 2002.

Avatar: No way. They can't reward Cameron for making the same movie again. He got his rocks off with Titanic. Boom. Done.

An Education: Nope. It's an actual foreign film, and we all know those are boring.

Blind Side: Sure. The Academy is going to throw away Best Picture on a "small independent" movie. Not happening.

A Serious Man: The Coen Brothers can do no wrong. The Academy can't give an Oscar to them every time they make a film.

Up in the Air: Nope. Too topical. Plus, I can't quite put my finger on the relationship between Clooney and Hollywood. All I know is that the time isn't right yet. (I know he didn't direct or write this one, but anything Mr. Clooney is in, is a Clooney project.)

Inglourious Basterds: No. I'm pretty sure the Academy has been goddamn frightened of Quentin Tarantino ever since they awarded him Best Screenplay for Pulp Fiction in 1994.

The Hurt Locker: The last man standing. It's the best movie made about the Iraq war to date, directed by a woman who has been making films (not always great ones) for over twenty years. Did you catch that? Directed by a woman. Which means it "signifies" something. The Academy couldn't resist.

Can you tell I hate the Oscars? I will admit I'm cartwheeling all over the place considering Ms. Bigelow and my favorite movie won, but it's all too easy to predict. If you want to get a feel for what the best movie of the year was, or better yet, a movie that represents what is happening in cinema at any given time, check out the Palme d'Or or the Golden Bear. In fact, make yourself a list from these awards. And I'm not afraid to smack you around if you don't.